(no subject)

Jul. 30th, 2015 12:45 am
denise: Image: Me, facing away from camera, on top of the Castel Sant'Angelo in Rome (Default)
[staff profile] denise
Today I found out that open source community member, feminist, activist, and fucking awesome human being Nóirín Plunkett has died. I have no words for what we've lost in losing Nóirín; I think the open source community is going to keep running headfirst into that loss for years to come.

Nóirín, wherever you are now, I hope it's full of everything you would consider paradise. It's going to be a long fucking time before I stop looking for you at every conference I go to.

Gimme shelter

Jul. 29th, 2015 11:12 am
badgerbag: (Default)
[personal profile] badgerbag
We all need shelter some of the time.

Hug or send your good thoughts to a feminist activist today

Or just anyone near or far.

Done last week (20150719Su - 26Sa)

Jul. 26th, 2015 10:26 am
mdlbear: the positively imaginary half of a cubic mandelbrot set (Default)
[personal profile] mdlbear

Rough week. I made it through only with help from Emmy and her friends, who were able to do the lifting I needed. Drove to work Thursday and Friday. Got a fairly large amount of work done, including yesterday and today. I'm continuing to lose weight; not entirely clear whether that's due to anxiety or the fact that I've been skipping breakfast. Initially that was because of the back, but now I seem to have gotten used to it.

I'm like a cat. When something is going wrong my first instinct is to crawl off in a corner and hide. Doesn't work.

I suspect that the depression has been killing my ability to focus; now that I'm finally coming out of it I can see the damage it's done, and work to mitigate it. Hopefully.

It's very clear that what makes me vulnerable to QL muscle problems is my love of shoulder bags (and to a lesser extent any unbalanced load). I have switched to backpacks. I have two rolling backpacks, but neither is especially comfortable as a backpack; I'm using the Lenovo backpack I got from $A. On the other hand, my back continues to improve; the last couple of days it's been down to an easily-ignorable ache most of the time. Walking helps, standing hurts. Taking the bus Monday was marginal due to the rough ride; I should be ok now that the pain is down to a manageable level. I've gone from being unable to move without the cane, to finding it more of a hindrance most of the time.

Posted Curio: Memories, pictures, and resources last Sunday, partly in response to a request for links. The raw links are in the notes, slightly updated from what I posted.

raw notes, with links )

Thankful Thursday

Jul. 23rd, 2015 10:16 pm
mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)
[personal profile] mdlbear

Not a whole lot to be thankful for, but...

  • My back being much better than it was last Thursday. Of course, that's not hard.
  • Not crying whenever something reminds me of Curio.
  • My cane.
  • Work as a distraction.
  • Good Drugs: methocarbamol, naproxen, acetaminophen, and bupropion in particular this week.

The Second Arrow

Jul. 23rd, 2015 12:43 pm
jesse_the_k: White girl with braids grinning under large Russian beaver hat (JK 10 happy hat)
[personal profile] jesse_the_k
Something awesomely good is happening in relation to the "meralgia paresthetica" I mentioned recently. Now that I know the cause is an entrapped nerve, and the result is purely sensory (no danger of losing function), my pain is much less annoying. I've managed to blunt the second arrow.
Buddhist background )

I dare to think I will be finding more ways as I continue to live.

Still scabby

Jul. 20th, 2015 06:05 pm
badgerbag: (Default)
[personal profile] badgerbag
Still covered in scabs, not super intense looking but painful. Still off work. I have had many short naps. Frustratingly not better yet.
mdlbear: A brown tabby cat looking dubiously at a wireless mouse (curio)
[personal profile] mdlbear

I keep listening to the jingle of the little bell and tag on his collar. Our other cats are quiet little ninjas. When I couldn't find him I'd call his name and he'd jingle. When he stopped responding to his name I knew something was wrong.

I've said that he was "my cat", because he chose me and loved me and followed me, but in truth he was more Colleen's cat. She was the only one whose lap he would sit on. He would curl up there for hours, or sit on the footrest of her recliner, or lie on her chest next to her heart.

When he started being a picky eater, she was the one who made sure he ate, and chased the other cats away from his bowl. She fed him cat treats, and when we had bacon for breakfast she would break off pieces for him.

pictures under the cut. If you're on LJ, go over to Dreamwidth, which does a better job of scaling the pix. )

Finally, here are some links related to FIP:

links, cut for length. )

Done last week (20150712Su - 18Sa)

Jul. 19th, 2015 08:01 am
mdlbear: A brown tabby cat looking dubiously at a wireless mouse (curio)
[personal profile] mdlbear

Long month this last week. Last Sunday, when I st/rolled to the West Seattle street fair with Colleen and G, and swapped songs in the Great Room with N, G, and G's friend Ed, seems like it happened to somebody else, long ago.

It's now four days since I helped my dear friend Curio cross the Rainbow Bridge, and learned that I could cry again. Three days since I pulled my left QL muscle again, walked an agonizing third of a mile home from the bus stop, and re-learned how to use a cane. Less than two days since our friend Jim Pearce died.

My sister Naomi was there for me with Curio, and again after my injury. Colleen and I have cried on one another's shoulders more than once. Desti, our household incarnation of Bast, has sat with me and comforted me. Friends have written condolences. My back feels better this morning, but there are too many empty places in my heart, and they ache.

Please, Universe: I understand that life and health are fragile things. You don't have to keep reminding me.

Links and more in the notes, as usual.

raw notes, with links )

progress report

Jul. 18th, 2015 09:06 am
badgerbag: (Default)
[personal profile] badgerbag
Feels like maybe people will expect me to be back at work monday but I do not feel ready. Still waking up whimpering in pain and unwilling to move. Still in massive pain just turning over or walking across the house. It hurts to type on the computer (Am doing it anyway, I have a special position for it with my arm sort of glued to the painful side and the computer down low on my belly)

I think I will do the paperwork and aim for next week out too rather than try to aim for wednesday or something.

my ankles still feel amazing and fabulous. getting out of the cab yesterday from therapy i looked to the end of the street and thought, I could walk that far, if my side didn't hurt. I wonder if I will be better from the shingles, but still under the good effect of the prednisone, for long enough to walk to the corner and back!

I wonder if I could agitate for a more frequent steroid burst experimentally.

Event lovely

Jul. 17th, 2015 09:33 pm
badgerbag: (Default)
[personal profile] badgerbag
I had a great time at the minicon and party last night and kind of participated quietly at the level I could handle. It is partly about planning and partly about changing my expectations of what I can do.

Sat on padded benches near the back with people I knew all around. And just kind of listened to the panels and gossiped and spaced out. Then we went to stef's house which was a block away and where he made us all tea while we laid on enormous couches playing with the cat. How ideal! It was like stunningly better than my other plan which was lying on the floor upstairs somewhere in the club.

Then back to trek up the stairs, which I partly had to sort of bump up on my ass becasue I was dizzy and also my left arm is too weak to really support my weight. I had some very nice drinks and conversations. stef wants to do welding and design things for the scooter project. Woooo! I knew we would find someone nice. we'll see.

I was standing next to Laura Poitras and wanted to talk with her and with Bruce S. but they were so deep in conversation and I didn't think that either of my reasons to talk with them was cause to interrupt their Deep Thoughts. But, swoon, Poitras. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Then went and fulfilled the plan to lie on the floor int he green room area.

I felt suffused with love for everyone there for their battles against dystopia. Flawed as they may be. (people and battles)

Spent goodly amt of time just looking at sarah's amazon stats with her and giggling happily as her book is #1 in various categories. I predict good things will and already are coming of this.

We stayed just till the start of the main party to see robotsnowden and short speeches & then escaped. I went to sleep and D. live tweeted his reading of sarah's book until like 4am.

Today, hung with Moomin quietly and then dropped him at the library to meet rook. Went to therapy (first time in over a month) A lot has happened. Feels like a year! I took notes on some things. I come out of it relieved to talk things over and with some practical thoughts that crystalize and then I go over them and type them up in a big list of Therapy Insights About Pain and Disability and Slowing the Fuck Down.

Pain was sometimes manageable today to like a "6" level with out vicodin but then went sparking up in the afternoon to an "I can't even think straight" 7 so I took a vicodin and went off in the car.

Riding in a car is very very hidesouly painful with shingles on your torso because everything shakes it around and you have to hold the seatbelt out from your body completely. There is a decision to be made about whether your back should touch and stick to the back of the seat, or whether you hunch forwards trying not to have friction, but having more jolting. I opted for molding myself to the back of the seat. I feel raw! Flayed even.

Many more thoughts but time to sleep.

My ambitions this weekend are to water all the plants slowly and tenaciously.

Toast: To Curio

Jul. 17th, 2015 08:54 pm
mdlbear: A brown tabby cat looking dubiously at a wireless mouse (curio)
[personal profile] mdlbear

A bear walks into a bar, and puts a dollar in the jar.

"Kahlúa and cream, Mike." It's not his usual genever, but he's not the first bear to order that drink this week. He takes it to the chalk line and stands for a while, sipping the drink and fingering something in his pocket. Finally, he raises the glass.

"To Curio!", he says, and flings the glass into the fireplace.

He was always my cat, ever since he walked up to me in the shelter two years ago and said so. My sister had to translate for him -- I wasn't very fluent in feline at the time.

He was the most outgoing and easygoing of our cats, always willing to accept attention from anybody, but I'm the one he followed around, and asked to be picked up and carried by. He spent a lot of time on Colleen's lap, too, and when he started getting picky about food, she would empty a can of catfood into a small bowl and make sure he ate it.

At night I would pat the laundry hamper in the hallway and say "Up", and he would jump up for me to carry upstairs to bed, though he often leapt out of my arms and ran up the stairs ahead of me. Most nights he slept on our bed.

I made a pad of folded leopard-print, fuzzy fabric and set it on my desk so that he could lie or sit there and be petted while I worked on the computer. He made an excellent villain's cat. He liked high places; I once found him on the highest shelf in our bathroom, afraid to come down. Perhaps he knew I'd come rescue him.

Maybe a month ago he started eating less, and became more solitary. His breathing became labored. His last two weeks I would often come home to find that he'd spent all day in our closet, or on the cool tiles of the shower stall. I would carry him to Colleen, but he would only pick at his food. His last week, he was completely miserable; we made the earliest appointment we could. It was barely soon enough.

you may want to skip this part. Wish I could have. )

Somewhere in there, Naomi reminded me that cats live in the moment, and we had done the best we could to make his last moments good ones, surrounded by the people he loved.

And he had one last gift for me: he taught me to cry again. Long ago, I forgot how. Thank you, Curio, for giving me back my tears.

The bear sits back down, and puts a tattered red collar on the table in front of him.

In the end, he walked across the Rainbow Bridge calmly, eyes open and tail held high. In Valhalla, he's finally able to go outside, get wasted on catnip, and sleep on the grass in the sunlight. In the evening he walks across the tables -- he was never a lap cat except for Colleen -- and begs for scraps from the feasting warriors. He's especially fond of beef.

Sometimes, late at night, he'll go visiting. There's a petrified forest where it's always twilight, and a glade where stands an Amethyst Rose with obsidian thorns as sharp as Curio's claws. Sometimes Bast goes with him. Bast willing, I'll see them again some day.

Thankful Friday

Jul. 17th, 2015 03:05 pm
mdlbear: Wild turkey hen close-up (turkey)
[personal profile] mdlbear

Not much to be thankful for right now; it's been a bad month this week. I'll do what I can.

  • Two years with Curio, a wonderful cat who taught me just how much of a cat person I am, how to live in the moment, and several things I never knew about love.
  • Compassionate people.
  • Having a licensed massage therapist in the house when you need one.
  • Hot water.
  • Good Drugs. Special call-out this week to naproxen and methocarbamol.
  • Things not being worse.

NO thanks to

  • feline infectious peritonitis
  • my left quatratus lumborum muscle.
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